I must admit that even though I'm losing weight, my weight is still fluctuating... Gotta work on that!
DBF Community Chat Thread
- Thread starter Super Kami Guru
- Start date
I keep looking at very overpriced miniature cat figures from Japan...
I want to buy them all!!!!
Look how cute these are
I want to buy them all!!!!
Look how cute these are
I was out of town at my aunt's and grandmother's house again for five days. They have less food available to diet on and more unhealthy options to eat at the same time. I didn't lose any weight over there but I didn't gain any weight either, but I'm back in my hometown and I'm losing weight again. I lost over 20 pounds since last month now.
Shrimp will be here tomorrow. Hope they make it okay. Coming all the way from Cali.
I need a place to ramble for a moment, so forgive me for hijacking this thread. I promise, you can skip this post and go right back to your regularly scheduled routine, I just really have to post this somewhere, and here feels the most appropriate of all the places I visit and of all the threads within that place. So...yeah...go ahead and skip right over this post, because it's going to be rambly and probably incoherent, I just...words...need to words...
I overshare with you guys way too much. I do. You all probably know more about my life than anyone I know IRL, I don't know why I feel so open and free to do that here, but...yeah, lucky you! All of the details you never wanted to know just smacked in the face like a pair of...ok, ok, not again, I get it. But I digress. Part of my oversharing thing is that you guys know I have times where I'm...not doing so great, where I need to let out a little emo in order to get back to my trying too hard to be funny levels of 'normalcy' around here. In reality, I have a lot of those down periods, a lot of them. I get waves of depression and I can get myself into a very, very dark place and use humour and joking to deflect and try to keep myself going. I'm open about it, but it's not something I'm looking for someone to give me a pat on the back and sympathize with, I just have those moments where I need to let it out a little bit and then I can be ok again, so I post little woe is me profile posts once in a while. What does that have to do with what I'm rambling about? Well, it seems I'm not alone in the family when it comes to these waves of depression.
Something I haven't told too many people is that on October 23rd of this past year I lost my brother. He was 48 years old and passed away. Technically he was my half-brother (same mother, different father), but growing up we never differentiated that. He didn't like me because he didn't like my dad (I don't like my dad, either, but I understood later in life that it wasn't about me being me, it was about me coming from him that meant he just couldn't connect with me, though he liked my sister just fine), so we grew up very estranged, and then my mother moved us out to the US to live with my dad...which didn't go down well with my brother or older sister (same situation, my mother was married, had two kids, got divorced 16 years later, met my dad, had two more...so we're four siblings, sisters get along fine, I'm just sort of here...), who both stayed in the UK to live their lives. My older sister came to visit a few times, she's fine and is happily living her life, but our brother never got over it and always resented my dad and my mother, and never made a single attempt to get in touch with me over the years, so we remained estranged. He had two kids, two kids that tried desperately to love him as their father, but who got very little affection in return, sadly. He divorced his wife and she moved away to raise their kids away from him. They're now happy and well-adjusted and have a step-dad who cares about them and I couldn't be happier for them, they are extremely nice young adults. But now along comes the news that their father, our brother, has passed away and they're obviously upset and having to deal with some pretty complex emotions. We're told it was complications related to diabetes and that actually made sense, he found out about three years back he had diabetes and, having been a trucker his whole life, his diet was pretty crap. Rubbish food, no set time frame, lots of alcohol in-between...he was told if he didn't change his diet it would do him in, and he made no efforts to change it. So we went with that, it was just him being stubborn and he passed away from that. Then a couple of months pass and my oldest sister messages my sister, who then messages me. My oldest sister has received word from his kids, who had heard from the coroner that our brother died of a suicide, he took his own life. Other family told us diabetes and we believed it, but no, the coroner told his kids, who told my sister that it was in fact a deliberate act. We all found this out today (well, Thursday, since this is now Friday).
I'm totally conflicted on what to feel. I was conflicted the first time around, as well, because in spite of our estrangement, he was still my brother and I still cared for him...but I also held a great deal of resentment that he never really wanted to know me. Now there's a whole extra level involved, because I view suicide as selfish, particularly when you've got people that care and are trying to make an effort to get you to love them in the shape of your own damn kids. I know what it's like to not have that support structure, but he had his kids, he had his sister, he had a girlfriend, he had friends and extended family back there who were there for him. On of my mothers' oldest friends still checks up on her kids for her, she's become like a step-mother to them in the years since our mother decided to move the US, he had her, as well. I don't have anyone out here. My mother has dementia and couldn't have a rational discussion even on her best day, my sister has her own struggles and I do my best to support her in whatever ways I can, but pouring my own issues onto her would probably break her. She's working, she's stressed, it's not a good combination. Our other family is all at home in the UK, so for me it's my online families. My little forums that I'm a part of, where I joke around and try to have fun and connect with people. It's my escape, my stability, etc. Ugh, digressing again...this isn't about me, to hell with me. Back to the point...I just don't know how to feel about the news that my brother took his own life. I can't process it. I can't see how, even with being a relatively miserable person, someone who still had that support structure, had flesh and blood who would do anything to help him, could do that. I also can completely understand it, because I've hit those lows, I know what desperation feels like and I know that struggle to find clarity when all you want is a way out. But...he had outlets. So, I just don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. I don't know how to get it all out, I don't know how to feel about him, about what he did, about...any of it. I'd like to go back in time and stop him. I'd like to sit him down, smack him in the face and point out all of the ways that his life matters to other people, that he needs to straighten himself up for. I also want to beat the shit out of him for doing it, but obviously, what good would that do? I want to mourn for the fact that he was my brother, but...should I? We didn't know each other well, he never wanted to know me, why should I waste time on it all now? I feel crushed for my older sister, who loved him like all siblings do, and I feel so horrible for his kids, who have to deal with the emotions of this, while having put their own lives together and found a loving family with their mother and step-father, and I also feel crushed for my mother, who, even if she remembered she had a son, wouldn't understand what it meant that he is now gone. I'm in a conflicting whirlwind of sadness, guilt and anger over this and I just have no idea what way to go with it...anyway, I'll stop there, it's already too much to have shared as it is, but I had to get this out, I had to put it into words somehow and see if that helps me move beyond it a bit.
I'm sorry to anyone that wasted time reading it, and I'm sorry that I keep having these little emo moments, but I promise I'll be back to stupid jiggly-obsessed me again outside of this post. I just have to get this sort of stuff out so I can start to get over it, but this one's a doozie...this one needed more than a profile post. Sorry about that, and please, please ignore me. Move right on past this and carry on as if this post doesn't exist. It's rambly, it's full of self-centered garbage and it's devoid of any real point. I need to post it, though, so I know I did it, but after that, just feel free to treat it like it doesn't exist. I'm sorry.
I overshare with you guys way too much. I do. You all probably know more about my life than anyone I know IRL, I don't know why I feel so open and free to do that here, but...yeah, lucky you! All of the details you never wanted to know just smacked in the face like a pair of...ok, ok, not again, I get it. But I digress. Part of my oversharing thing is that you guys know I have times where I'm...not doing so great, where I need to let out a little emo in order to get back to my trying too hard to be funny levels of 'normalcy' around here. In reality, I have a lot of those down periods, a lot of them. I get waves of depression and I can get myself into a very, very dark place and use humour and joking to deflect and try to keep myself going. I'm open about it, but it's not something I'm looking for someone to give me a pat on the back and sympathize with, I just have those moments where I need to let it out a little bit and then I can be ok again, so I post little woe is me profile posts once in a while. What does that have to do with what I'm rambling about? Well, it seems I'm not alone in the family when it comes to these waves of depression.
Something I haven't told too many people is that on October 23rd of this past year I lost my brother. He was 48 years old and passed away. Technically he was my half-brother (same mother, different father), but growing up we never differentiated that. He didn't like me because he didn't like my dad (I don't like my dad, either, but I understood later in life that it wasn't about me being me, it was about me coming from him that meant he just couldn't connect with me, though he liked my sister just fine), so we grew up very estranged, and then my mother moved us out to the US to live with my dad...which didn't go down well with my brother or older sister (same situation, my mother was married, had two kids, got divorced 16 years later, met my dad, had two more...so we're four siblings, sisters get along fine, I'm just sort of here...), who both stayed in the UK to live their lives. My older sister came to visit a few times, she's fine and is happily living her life, but our brother never got over it and always resented my dad and my mother, and never made a single attempt to get in touch with me over the years, so we remained estranged. He had two kids, two kids that tried desperately to love him as their father, but who got very little affection in return, sadly. He divorced his wife and she moved away to raise their kids away from him. They're now happy and well-adjusted and have a step-dad who cares about them and I couldn't be happier for them, they are extremely nice young adults. But now along comes the news that their father, our brother, has passed away and they're obviously upset and having to deal with some pretty complex emotions. We're told it was complications related to diabetes and that actually made sense, he found out about three years back he had diabetes and, having been a trucker his whole life, his diet was pretty crap. Rubbish food, no set time frame, lots of alcohol in-between...he was told if he didn't change his diet it would do him in, and he made no efforts to change it. So we went with that, it was just him being stubborn and he passed away from that. Then a couple of months pass and my oldest sister messages my sister, who then messages me. My oldest sister has received word from his kids, who had heard from the coroner that our brother died of a suicide, he took his own life. Other family told us diabetes and we believed it, but no, the coroner told his kids, who told my sister that it was in fact a deliberate act. We all found this out today (well, Thursday, since this is now Friday).
I'm totally conflicted on what to feel. I was conflicted the first time around, as well, because in spite of our estrangement, he was still my brother and I still cared for him...but I also held a great deal of resentment that he never really wanted to know me. Now there's a whole extra level involved, because I view suicide as selfish, particularly when you've got people that care and are trying to make an effort to get you to love them in the shape of your own damn kids. I know what it's like to not have that support structure, but he had his kids, he had his sister, he had a girlfriend, he had friends and extended family back there who were there for him. On of my mothers' oldest friends still checks up on her kids for her, she's become like a step-mother to them in the years since our mother decided to move the US, he had her, as well. I don't have anyone out here. My mother has dementia and couldn't have a rational discussion even on her best day, my sister has her own struggles and I do my best to support her in whatever ways I can, but pouring my own issues onto her would probably break her. She's working, she's stressed, it's not a good combination. Our other family is all at home in the UK, so for me it's my online families. My little forums that I'm a part of, where I joke around and try to have fun and connect with people. It's my escape, my stability, etc. Ugh, digressing again...this isn't about me, to hell with me. Back to the point...I just don't know how to feel about the news that my brother took his own life. I can't process it. I can't see how, even with being a relatively miserable person, someone who still had that support structure, had flesh and blood who would do anything to help him, could do that. I also can completely understand it, because I've hit those lows, I know what desperation feels like and I know that struggle to find clarity when all you want is a way out. But...he had outlets. So, I just don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. I don't know how to get it all out, I don't know how to feel about him, about what he did, about...any of it. I'd like to go back in time and stop him. I'd like to sit him down, smack him in the face and point out all of the ways that his life matters to other people, that he needs to straighten himself up for. I also want to beat the shit out of him for doing it, but obviously, what good would that do? I want to mourn for the fact that he was my brother, but...should I? We didn't know each other well, he never wanted to know me, why should I waste time on it all now? I feel crushed for my older sister, who loved him like all siblings do, and I feel so horrible for his kids, who have to deal with the emotions of this, while having put their own lives together and found a loving family with their mother and step-father, and I also feel crushed for my mother, who, even if she remembered she had a son, wouldn't understand what it meant that he is now gone. I'm in a conflicting whirlwind of sadness, guilt and anger over this and I just have no idea what way to go with it...anyway, I'll stop there, it's already too much to have shared as it is, but I had to get this out, I had to put it into words somehow and see if that helps me move beyond it a bit.
I'm sorry to anyone that wasted time reading it, and I'm sorry that I keep having these little emo moments, but I promise I'll be back to stupid jiggly-obsessed me again outside of this post. I just have to get this sort of stuff out so I can start to get over it, but this one's a doozie...this one needed more than a profile post. Sorry about that, and please, please ignore me. Move right on past this and carry on as if this post doesn't exist. It's rambly, it's full of self-centered garbage and it's devoid of any real point. I need to post it, though, so I know I did it, but after that, just feel free to treat it like it doesn't exist. I'm sorry.
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You don't have to apologize for sharing stuff like that, really. I feel disconnected from most of my family but if something ever happened to them or one of them took their own life, I would feel what you are feeling. I would feel guilty for not reaching out when I had the chance to, I would be angry that they didn't bother to reach out to me, I would feel sorry for the rest of the family involved in their choice... It is a lot to process as you said.
In his case though, he was killing himself long before he actually did anything and there was likely nothing you could have done to stop it. When you get a medical diagnosis as he did and simply don't care to correct the health issues, you have already given up on life. People don't just flip a switch on do this, most think about it for years. That is the scary thing. And many don't show any signs of it. You can't change what happened and beating yourself up for it won't fix anything. Just focus on being closer to your other siblings and what family you can. I am sorry for your loss. Even a small loss or a disconnected one can hurt. Even though you weren't close with him, it is okay to mourn him and it is okay to be angry. Just don't blame yourself.
In his case though, he was killing himself long before he actually did anything and there was likely nothing you could have done to stop it. When you get a medical diagnosis as he did and simply don't care to correct the health issues, you have already given up on life. People don't just flip a switch on do this, most think about it for years. That is the scary thing. And many don't show any signs of it. You can't change what happened and beating yourself up for it won't fix anything. Just focus on being closer to your other siblings and what family you can. I am sorry for your loss. Even a small loss or a disconnected one can hurt. Even though you weren't close with him, it is okay to mourn him and it is okay to be angry. Just don't blame yourself.
My uncle committed suicide by overdosing on pain killers when he was 64, but it was because he was in very bad health and he didn't want anyone to pay for his medical expenses since he didn't have health care. Maybe your half brother's health was affecting him more than you might think.
What pisses me off about him and his health is that I'm a diabetic (type 1, so different, but I know how the game works...), I could have given him pointers on managing it without having to radically alter his lifestyle. He would've had to have given up the drink, for sure, but...it wouldn't have been THAT difficult to adapt. He didn't want to know, didn't want to make the effort and here we are. I know I can't change it, and I know the thought process very, very well, but it just boggles my mind he could do that knowing his kids were desperate to form a relationship with their father. Just wrong...
At any rate, yeah, I'm trying to get past it and move on, that's a big part of why I posted that. At least getting it out there helps me start that process, just comprehending something that I'll never truly understand gets me a bit angry.
I'm sorry to hear that, both because I'm sure his family would have been happier having him around, even with medical bills attached, and because I'm sure it hurt those that loved him to lose him. It's a possibility with my brother that it was a similar situation, though I doubt it. We have the NHS at home, universal healthcare, he just had to make an effort, and he didn't. I think his kids making the efforts they did to form a relationship with him might have stirred something in him about how he treated them, but I honestly have no genuine proof of that, and nor will we ever know for sure now.
They made it, everyone is alive but holy cow are they tiny. They are like the length of a dime.
