So you kind of get where I came from then about having a harsh relationship, and that is true. Having my parents along the way and everything has been great.
I don't think I've shared this story here before, so some of this may be a bit odd given the "me" I am on these forums, but when I was born my mother and father were in the tail end of a horrible relationship. He was verbally abusive, wasting money on every scam that came along and not doing his duties as a husband and father, so they divorced not long after I was born. This left my mother with a really sour taste towards men, and she just happened to be surrounded by friends who were also getting out of bad relationships and they all had bad thoughts about men, which sort of cemented everything in her mind. Growing up she hated that I was male, she even told me on multiple occasions that she wished I wasn't born or wished I was born a girl because she didn't want to raise another "pig of a man" into this world. She would tell me anything I liked that was traditionally masculine was wrong, I was dissuaded from taking part in sports, for instance. She also told me as I got older about the things men "do to" women for their own sick pleasure, and how I would want to do that to, so I learned to hate my own masculinity more and more, my own body more and more. I didn't know what I'd done wrong to be stuck as this impossibly wrong gender, but I knew I didn't want to be the disgusting, evil person she kept telling me I was going to become, so I went to bed most nights wishing I either wouldn't wake up or would wake up in a female body so she would love me and I wouldn't have to be evil. It may not be your typical gender dysphoria that occurs naturally, but she instilled a level of dysphoria in my brain that I still battle with to this day. My relationship with her got better when I was a teenager and she realized I wasn't going off raping every girl I could find, as she told me I would, and eventually we became friends and had a decent relationship, fortunate I suppose given that I'm now her full-time caregiver as she is wasting away with dementia and doesn't know what happened 20 minutes ago, let alone 20 years ago. It's still there, though, that dysphoria, it never left me. I was consumed as a young teenager with finding ways to transition so my mother would want me in her life, but I never actually did, of course, because I knew down inside it wasn't the path for me. Possibly because I came to realize that a 6'1" guy with broad shoulders, a wide masculine chest and and quite large hands really isn't going to make for much of a fetching woman (and my family are also somewhat traditional so would never have accepted someone altering their body), but also possibly because I'm ok with my own masculinity now. I may not revel in it like other men do, but I can be ok with myself and what I was born as.
So yeah, I know where you're coming from both in terms of having a rough relationship with your mother and in dealing with dysphoria. I may have turned out to be a breast-obsessed, depressingly alone shell of a man who uses humour to deflect at every opportunity, but I've got one or two insights into the trans mindset and can relate well to struggles
Yeah it was a huge shift to say the least as you said I realized within the first week it was a emotional, mental, and physical but I was willing to do it. Yeah, I finally understand what it means to have friends that support you and are good to you.
Oh absolutely, transitioning is a proper struggle and without adequate support it can be so overwhelming. It seems like nothing is happening at first, and then in very short order things do start to happen and it can be a huge thing to go through, so having that support is just absolutely critical. I'm glad you have that support, and I'll say it again, you've got me, as well, whenever you want to chat, I'm fully behind you!
Very true,and that is the main thing I keep thinking about is once my GRS is done then I can continue onward with "ease" in a manner of speaking.
Yeah, it's a massive hurdle and it's going to involve a pretty lengthy recovery, but that being done will be a huge milestone and marker in your life that signifies the beginning of your next journey.
I have named them First Form Arc, first six months of Hormones and everything, Second Form Arc, the last six months of Hormones and everything, and Third Form Arc, Everything now, and then the future ones will Final Form Arc and Gold Arc.
Love it! Perfect names for each chapter in the transition
Yes, I am/was excited as the changes became more pronounced and all as I started to feel better about myself and felt more comfortable in my skin.
It's a big moment when you finally feel that level of comfort in yourself, isn't it? I remember it was the quirkiest things that one of my trans friends in particular was over the moon about. Obviously she wanted what every trans woman wants from hormones, boobs, and she eventually got those, but she was just so overwhelmingly happy when she noticed things like her face getting a bit fuller, or her skin feeling a bit softer, or once she was so happy to show me her hands looked decided smaller and less masculine. She loved to track every little detail and it made her so happy to see things slowly shifting to the feminine side. I was so happy for her because she was so utterly depressed before, and now here was this confident woman so happy about her own body for once. It was so great seeing that.
The name is picked is Jay-Ashley Charlotte, and I mainly picked that name because in real life my family and such call/ed me Jay, as before my name was Jason Seth. I picked Ashley because I have always that name and I hyphened it because I am a Southerner and us Southerner love giving women hyphen names, lol. Charlotte is a more personal and it is in honor of my step-dad's, who is my dad now, sister who was trans and later took her life due being disowned by her family and having no one to be there for her so. As far as legal/government items I have everything changed minus my birth certificate, which I may or may not do, since the state I live in makes that process a bitch and a half to do.
I think that's a fantastic name, and I've always liked the name Ashley, as well, it was the name of a girl I had a crush on in high school and I guess it just stuck in my brain as I name I've always attached a lot of nice emotions to, so I think it's a wonderful name
. I like the hyphenated name, as well, Jay-Ashley is quite unique, and I love the sentimentality behind picking Charlotte, I'm sure your dad's sister would have loved that you thought so highly of her
.
That's great that you got all of your documents changed over, one big paperwork hurdle out of the way
. Hopefully your state makes it a bit easier to change your birth certificate so you can do that, as well, but I can understand not wanting to go through all of the red tape at the moment!
Agreed, and thank you. No worries, a friend I talk to daily always mentions how proud she is of me so it is fine.
It's nice to get that little morale boost from a friend, isn't it?
