Relationship Advice Thread

[Giga Hertz]

So you knew each other for over a year then started an online relationship? How long were you apart before you were living together (or living near each other, not sure which you were doing)?

Yeah, but we were friends to varying degrees for about 6-12 months before that too.

Not living together, just near. She moved up here after 8 or 9 months when a job opened up here. She's trying to figure out if she's going to move away or stay here or what.

We're both hurting bad. I'm trying to eat and keep the day progressing. She's going to come and pick up various things she's left here at some point.

I really hope she doesn't go.

 

[Beerus]

Yeah, but we were friends to varying degrees for about 6-12 months before that too.

Not living together, just near. She moved up here after 8 or 9 months when a job opened up here. She's trying to figure out if she's going to move away or stay here or what.

We're both hurting bad. I'm trying to eat and keep the day progressing. She's going to come and pick up various things she's left here at some point.

I really hope she doesn't go.

I'm sorry you are both going through this. I know long-distance relationships can be tough. Hopefully, she at least decides to stay in the area. How far away would she be if she went back to where her parents are?

 

[Giga Hertz]

I'm sorry you are both going through this. I know long-distance relationships can be tough. Hopefully, she at least decides to stay in the area. How far away would she be if she went back to where her parents are?

6 hours if she moves back with them. 4-9 if she moves within a closer area.

 

[Beerus]

6 hours if she moves back with them. 4-9 if she moves within a closer area.

6 hours isn't too bad but still, that would make seeing each other and spending time together more difficult. So things ended because of communication issues between you both, not so much her parents having influence?

 

[Giga Hertz]

6 hours isn't too bad but still, that would make seeing each other and spending time together more difficult. So things ended because of communication issues between you both, not so much her parents having influence?

The "I'm going to do it" reason was at least thought out in terms of that. The catalyst was certainly her having panic attacks over her parents and everything.

I think it's stuff we could have worked through. Certainly things we still can work through. Just whether or not that happens.

 

[Beerus]

The "I'm going to do it" reason was at least thought out in terms of that. The catalyst was certainly her having panic attacks over her parents and everything.

I think it's stuff we could have worked through. Certainly things we still can work through. Just whether or not that happens.

I mean it sounds like things can be worked out but you will always have the weight of her parents pushing down on her and until that gets fixed, you will always have issues. I don't know if there is a way around that. You said they are Christians, right?

 

[Giga Hertz]

I mean it sounds like things can be worked out but you will always have the weight of her parents pushing down on her and until that gets fixed, you will always have issues. I don't know if there is a way around that. You said they are Christians, right?

Yeah, but unfortunately the cultural stuff seems to take a very major front seat to that. They go to a Chinese church to, and even that has some major cultural norms that should just not be there.

She does seem to know (or at least acknowledges) that if she doesn't address those issues it's going to become a problem again.

 

[Beerus]

Yeah, but unfortunately the cultural stuff seems to take a very major front seat to that. They go to a Chinese church to, and even that has some major cultural norms that should just not be there.

She does seem to know (or at least acknowledges) that if she doesn't address those issues it's going to become a problem again.

So is the church they are a part of Chinese only or do other people attend and it is just the majority are Chinese members? Similar to how we have black churches in the US but there is usually a few white people who attend them.

I am guessing this is beyond Christian moral framing like you said and is rooted in Chinese traditions. In which case, they would have to break away from that and from what I have heard, it is very difficult to do even when you move away from China.

 

[Giga Hertz]

So is the church they are a part of Chinese only or do other people attend and it is just the majority are Chinese members? Similar to how we have black churches in the US but there is usually a few white people who attend them.

The latter. It's specifically marketed as a Chinese church and they have English and Chinese services, but even in the English one there's only like a couple of white people (incidentally the pastor of the English service is Greek and married to a white Australian).

The culture there is very clique-ish and focused on appearances. Weddings are opportunities for parents to show off to people they haven't spoken to or seen in years, and will generally expect to take a large portion of the guest list to invite people, even if the couple doesn't know them.

At the wedding we went to on the weekend, they had multiple photo groups, and one of them was for the Chinese service congregation specifically: despite being Chinese, neither bride nor groom actually attend that service.

It's... yeah.

I am guessing this is beyond Christian moral framing like you said and is rooted in Chinese traditions. In which case, they would have to break away from that and from what I have heard, it is very difficult to do even when you move away from China.

Yepppp. They've been here like 40 years or so and have really clung to that (which I can understand to degrees).

 

[Beerus]

The latter. It's specifically marketed as a Chinese church and they have English and Chinese services, but even in the English one there's only like a couple of white people (incidentally the pastor of the English service is Greek and married to a white Australian).

The culture there is very clique-ish and focused on appearances. Weddings are opportunities for parents to show off to people they haven't spoken to or seen in years, and will generally expect to take a large portion of the guest list to invite people, even if the couple doesn't know them.

At the wedding we went to on the weekend, they had multiple photo groups, and one of them was for the Chinese service congregation specifically: despite being Chinese, neither bride nor groom actually attend that service.

It's... yeah.


Yepppp. They've been here like 40 years or so and have really clung to that (which I can understand to degrees).

Wow, and I thought people were bad with weddings in America. Things are so over the top here and parents make a point of using it to show off their kids and whatever. Not all but a lot of them do. I made sure to avoid that when me and Jay got married. Only had a handful of people at ours and we did it and a park venue.

So it is pretty deep then. That has to be heartbreaking for her to have to deal with that pressure placed on her. I am sure she doesn't want to disappoint her parents but at the same time, she is sacrificing her own choices and happiness just to please them. That isn't fair on her.

It was never a commitment issue then? Like they didn't want you two together because you weren't married? It was just that they expect her to be with a Chinese man?

 

[Giga Hertz]

It was never a commitment issue then? Like they didn't want you two together because you weren't married? It was just that they expect her to be with a Chinese man?

Oh like, we were only dating and stuff. Definitely nothing that would require a marital commitment. But pretty much what they really want, which is the mold for their immediate community, is that she marry a Christian Chinese man and then stay in the immediate area to raise a family, and then when her parents are old they look after them.

She has two older brothers, one of whom definitely has no plans to leave the city, so it's not like they're out of options there.

 

[Beerus]

Oh like, we were only dating and stuff. Definitely nothing that would require a marital commitment. But pretty much what they really want, which is the mold for their immediate community, is that she marry a Christian Chinese man and then stay in the immediate area to raise a family, and then when her parents are old they look after them.

She has two older brothers, one of whom definitely has no plans to leave the city, so it's not like they're out of options there.

I think the weight of caring for them as they age is put on the daughter so it doesn't matter about what the sons do. Usually, the eldest daughter is the one to care for the parents.

Do you think it would make any difference if you were willing to move (if possible) and you both showed them you were more serious about the relationship?

 

[Giga Hertz]

It won't matter. They already hate me enough because of my appearance, and I don't think they're fond of my personality. And neither of us really wants to live there (me certainly). I'm rural; I could cope with a big town/small city, but definitely not there.

 

[Yoshi]

It won't matter. They already hate me enough because of my appearance, and I don't think they're fond of my personality. And neither of us really wants to live there (me certainly). I'm rural; I could cope with a big town/small city, but definitely not there.

They should honestly be thankful you're even a Christian.

What do her brothers think of you?

 

[Beerus]

It won't matter. They already hate me enough because of my appearance, and I don't think they're fond of my personality. And neither of us really wants to live there (me certainly). I'm rural; I could cope with a big town/small city, but definitely not there.

So really it is down to her having to choose between you and her parents' approval then. Maybe she will come to terms with things in time and be able to stand up for herself but based on what you have said, I don't think she would be okay with herself if she did that.

 

[Giga Hertz]

They should honestly be thankful you're even a Christian.

Well yeah. We line up with our core values.

What do her brothers think of you?

I was good friends with her oldest brother long before her. Her other brother is polite enough in conversation, but is diametrically the opposite in most core values (the most we'd agree on is the CCP is a scourge that needs to cease to exist).

Incidentally, despite being opposed to her parents core values and having made numerous decisions they don't like, he's doing well because he still lives with them, has the right career and is dating a half-Chinese girl who speaks decent Cantonese.

So really it is down to her having to choose between you and her parents' approval then. Maybe she will come to terms with things in time and be able to stand up for herself but based on what you have said, I don't think she would be okay with herself if she did that.

Yeah. That's also why I'm desperately hoping that she doesn't decide to move, so maybe if we re-work on friends...

 

[Beerus]

Yeah. That's also why I'm desperately hoping that she doesn't decide to move, so maybe if we re-work on friends...

Just pray on it and be strong. I know it has to be hard right now but you can't force things in any direction. Unfortunately, you have to just wait and see what happens.

 

[Giga Hertz]

Just pray on it and be strong. I know it has to be hard right now but you can't force things in any direction. Unfortunately, you have to just wait and see what happens.

I know. I just hate everything that's happening. And I feel like I can't do this.

 

[Beerus]

I know. I just hate everything that's happening. And I feel like I can't do this.

It is always darkest before dawn. You are not alone in facing it. God is with you. Just lean on him.

 

[Giga Hertz]

Thank you.